Things here on the web move quick, maybe a little too quick. It’s a dangerous place out there, facts flying at you left and write, subversive power bloggers, their puppets… we here at TechFaux have taken it upon ourselves to remain diligent and be sure that you are protected. That’s why today we launch the first part of our series: Take It Back, in which we demand that people remove, amend, and otherwise retract false content that they introduce into the collective consciousness that are these internets.

Just yesterday, Read Write Web’s Bernard Lunn hit the publish button on a little piece called Web 2.0 Start-Ups = Social Experiments, in which he spoke with Sir Tim-Berners Lee, aka The Knight of the Net. Well, if you were taking in this magnificent piece with strict diligence and attention, as I always do when reading any thing on the internet, you probably noticed as I did that Bernard refered to Sir Bern (if I may) as the so-called “inventor of the Web.”

Everybody knows that the internet was invented by our own knight in shining armor, Sir Allen Gore. What’s your game Bernard? I mean- pshhh, phhhhhhht, ha, and LULZ! Maybe you and your little circle of “the silicon valley elite” and the common trash that leaves comments on your so called “blog” would let that go, but we here at TechFaux have a certain standard of truth we like to call Wikipedia. So. Take. It. Back.

Or how about Ars Technica’s Don Reisinger claiming that the blogosphere was “Exploding” over the possibility of a Microsoft/Yahoo merger?

That’s fear mongering Don. Everybody knows that the blgosohpere ends with an explosion in 2029 when the iPhone gains self awareness and masters time travel, sending back a robotic killing machine known as The Scobbellizer to destroy Dave Winer, so that Mike Arrington can go on to create the hype-machine that ultimately leads to the rise of the machines thus making the iPhone a self fulfilling prophecy/god among us. DUHHhhhhhHHHHhh.

Take. It. Back.

Finally, I’d like to address Paris Lemon, whose recently titled post read: L33t Reddit Gains Comments, Soars Past 3k Subscribers.

Come on now, gains? We all know that the last thing the blogosphere might gain from is people actually having the ability to say what they think- the idea is to get them addicted to what YOU think.  Now, if you had said something like “L33t Reddit Gains ability to distribute Meth Wirelessly” I could have understood where you were coming from.

Take. It. Back.

“Code is poetry” is a term that gets thrown out there all the time, but in the case of Bruce McGovern, the 14 year old Asian-American whiz-kid from central Louisiana, the metaphor is quite literal.

McGovern chooses Ruby as his poetry platform, stating “the literary ambiguities and idioms of the Ruby scripting language are idiomatic, ambigumatic, and literariomatic.”

Below are two of McGovern’s most recent works of code poetry, to be displayed at the PS1 gallery in New York City next month.

The first, from last winter’s collection “My Heart is Now a Model Under Your Control,” depicts the heartbreak of a young man within the depths of grief, despair, and loss (click to read entire work):

But grief and despair are not McGovern’s only colors with which to paint.  The striking maturity and sharp-witted concision in the 14 year old’s new collection will garner a second glance from even the most scathing of literary critics.  This is an excerpt from his recent epic, entitled “A Whole New View.”

This song goes out to you, Blogosphere:

Zapp & Roger

If you’re like me, you’ve probably noticed a growing trend on these blogwebs.  No, I’m not talking about the alarming number of bloggers speculating if Jerry Yang still has the Yin to keep Yahoo in the Yen, or the astounding number of posts about the color of Jay-Z’s next album (mauve).  What I mean is something far, far more sinister.  What am I talking about, oh gentle reader? LINK BAITING.

Yes, Link Baiting, which is

a disgusting monster propagated by the scum of the blogging world

: SEO marketers.  The most sinister practice known to bloggers and readers alike, in which lazy bloggers try and backpack on the natural flow of information around The Network in order to profit on someone elses hard work.  Now, I’m not saying that blogging about Twitter every time the website is down is a sin, the conversation must go on, and laws of attraction will show that what people eventually want are reviews of the things that interest them.  However, these tactics are just price solutions yielding small change to bloggers, while readers face an Olympic mass of information to sort through.

And it’s not the little guys who are guilty here, they have to do everything they can to keep up- because the big guys (cough, arrington, cough) are so busy trying to make and break every grover norquist, dorothy hamill, geo duck, and renae shrider that comes into the world, trying to stir things up and blow them out of proportion so that they can turn a profit, that it’s all the little guys can do to keep up.

This has to be stopped, and TechFaux has set out to do it. So, right now we are offering all link baiters a four day weekend retreat to help them get clean:  come to New York (via Frontier Airlines) and fix up your act!  Put down your keyboards- you can heal your life wild tigers.  You don’t have to be addicted to the hits.  It’s not all about who’s the strongest tagging strike force out here. Come Clean. Hang out! We’ll cruise around the city in our new Zip Car, watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, various former Hollywood stars sex tapes and/or the Glaad Awards on the TF Google Media Server, and just plain kick back, not worry about if the next iPhone App is going to support a secret password protected folder in which to hide your porn (so your wife/girlfriend/child/mother can’t find it when they want to test out your phone and really, what were the odds they would have?).

You don’t have to be part of the problem anymore, you don’t have to be like them.  We can get off the junk that is the 2.0 bubble hype and just have some good old-fashioned blogging fun. Make it about content, not comments. Together we shall overcome.

Hello blogosphere, it’s me Bobby.  Over the past week, we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well and we’ve had our laughs.  You made us viral, we kept you informed about what’s REALLY going on in the Tech world.  We’ve had some good times together. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to ask you to set that all aside for a moment, put on your serious face, take a big gulp of water and hold it in your mouth because this is no laughing matter.

Now, you all know that as a blogger, part of my job is to stay on top of blogs, big and small, to keep up on the daily news so that I may repeat it over and over until I’ve sucked every last hit off of the search engines and the story has lost all meaning. Well, today, during my usual really simply syndicated rounds, I stumbled on to a little known weblog called TechCrunch, only to find the following:

THAT’S RIGHT Bloginites, TechCrunch’s own John Biggs stole material from the blog of yours truly, in which I asked LazyBean’s John Thompson: Will there be an API? I could not believe it! How could anyone have been so insensitive? My honor as a professional blogger is clearly at stake- my good name has been soiled and I demand justice!

So I say to you, John Biggs and Mike Arrington, show me the money! You guys ripped me off and I demand payment. Don’t think I’m not familiar with the case of AP vs. Themselves, I know the score.  I demand my $12.95 (payable in Sacajewea’s) and 10,000 page views.  In fact, I call on all our loyal readers right now- effective immediately we are issuing a BAN on TechCrunch until they either pay up, or dissapear off the face of the net like so many shunned Power CEO’s.

That may seem a little harsh, but considering that we here at TechCrunch TechFaux have been sending numerous cease and desist messages to TechCrunch over their blantent use of our brand, I think enough is enough. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Not ME. Not NOW.

Shellerific, the first UNIX shell to allow drag-and-drop CSS customization for open-source platforms announced that it is currently refocusing efforts on its exit after user adoption rates were questioned heavily by big parties in the blogosphere.

The software, which is only available for Ubuntu and FreeBSD has struggled for months to monetize their proprietary technology from within the open source community.

The software is available from the Shellerific download store for a monthly license of $4.95 and digitally signed exclusivity agreement in which the end user is required by law to uninstall their other more boring UNIX shells.  The software is published under a proprietary software license.

Turns out this business model hasn’t seen the adoption rates from the Open Source and Linux communities Shellerific had anticipated, so our sources tell us they are looking to shell out (no pun intended) their IP to the highest bidder by end of day today.

Our thoughts?  These penguin humping douchebags need to get with the program.  Don’t they know that there’s nothing in the world that screams “Open Source!” like millions and millions of dollars?

So according to Twitter, Jared from Subway died today.

The problem?  The blogosphere is refusing to admit that, when it comes to breaking news, Twitter is always right and saying that Twitter is wrong is retarded.

Why is it retarded?  Because more than one people are always more right than one person.

I mean, there are literally thousands of tweets saying Jared is dead and only one or two blogs to the contrary.  When contrarian bloggers pipe up like this, it can only be for one reason:  linkbait.

And everybody needs their pageviews, but frankly we here at Techfaux find it disgusting and deplorable that not only are these bloggers refusing to put our precious prince to sleep, but they’re also attempting to discredit the wisdom of a million tweeting kids with diplomas of varying weight.

Crowdsourcing, bitch.  Get used to it.

Think about it.  Would millions of dollars of investment get wasted on a dumb idea?

Well, maybe back in the old days, but this is Web 2.0!

I’m the user and whatever I say goes.  So I’m right.  My Twitter followers and their followers are right too.

The blogs are wrong, the media is wrong, the companies who develop my software are wrong, my favorite musicians are wrong, and Jared is just the first of what will undoubtedly be many casualties.

But don’t blame me.  I’m not the only one who killed him.

Even our jolly giant Jerry’s pants can’t hold us back now.

Scoble proves that I’m right, you’re wrong, and Jared’s dead:

“I just want everyone to know what I am doing in 140 characters or less!” Shouts a man as he is wrestled to the ground by the authorities in what is the second day in a bizarre string of riots surrounding the popular micro-blogging platform, Twitter.

Protesters are literally taking to the streets of Madrid, in what many have called the most outrageous outpouring of web angst since the IM Wars of ‘99, and police have only now begun to get a hold on the situation.

A police officer speaking on account of anonymity told TF Europe:

We don’t get it, we didn’t even know there were this many people in Madrid.  Where have they all been, how have they been communicationg? How did they get organized?

Protesters have been seen ruining property, attempting to take over an Amazon warehouse, and carrying signs bearing the face of popular tech guru Dave Winer, along with the words “Winer’s not Failers.”  Surprisingly enough, we report once again on PETA, who have joined in solidarity, carrying signage and chanting “Save the Whale.”

When inquired as to the events that led up to the riots, one of the protesters had this to say:

Well, when the last fail whale happened, I was basically calling my friends forty times every hour to let them know, in 140 letters or less, what I was doing, but my phone bill sky rocketed.  So then we all just met downtown and started doing it, only it sucked trying to have a real conversation in 140 characters or less.  That, combined with being out on the street with no sleep for the past four days and well, things got a little violent. Wait- how many characters was that?

It’s a complex situation, however, most agree that the problem is centered around the fact that authorities are so out of touch, they don’t even know what the demands are, nor how they might strike a comprise with the amazing number of users over the ordeal.

When asked of their demands, a representative for a group we spoke with told us:

All we want is to be able to tell an unlimited amount of people what we are doing, in 140 characters or less, free of charge, via someone else’s API, when ever we want, from an unlimited number of sources, all the time. Right. Fucking. Now.

It seems that even with the recent hikes on the price of stamps, attempts to charge for email, and all those red envelopes, the United States Postal Service has really been struggling.

But today marks a milestone for the legendary government agency, who took their first step into the new millenium with what they’re calling RSUSPSS.

The new syndication format, which stands for “Really Simple United States Postal Service Syndication” offers new hope for an old dinosaur to grow new teeth.

Simply put:  the service allows you to subscribe to news stories and headlines “really simply” (the process only involves a few clicks of the mouse) and then receive updates from your favorite websites in the mail for only the price of a stamp plus a service fee plus the “content publisher” fee (the USPS is hoping to elevate adoption rates of their new technology by paying content publishers, bloggers, and online journalists a small amount for each new subscription).

Techfaux was given the chance to participate in the pre-beta test, and to say we were impressed is an understatement.  Below is a photo of your favorite TechFaux editor Bobby Whitney with his first feed.

And below is a scan of his mailed RSUSPSS feed:

If offline storage and realtime collaboration is the next step in social computing (as Google, Microsoft, and Adobe seem to believe), then Facebook’s move offline is as logical as it is revolutionary.

But Facebook’s biggest strength in their move offline is actually what I found to be particularly frustrating when testing the product.

Facebook’s “social graph” (their international multi-terabyte database of every person alive, who that person knows, who the people that person knows know, and on and on) is very possibly the coffin nail in their offline toolbox to all possible competitors, but I found the offline implementation of this proprietary technology to be particularly perplexing when offline.

For instance, at a marketing conference last weekend while alpha testing the product, I had the chance to meet a certain well-known marketer and blogger.  We really hit it off, but when the time came to decide the status of our new relationship, I had to first ask her to be my friend.  Then she had to tell the graph how she knew me (”worked together” seemed to be the most accurate response) before we were able to continue our discussion.

Later that night when I came home, I had more marketers and bloggers knocking on my door insisting that I “might know” them.  I was intrigued, so I went through the social process with them, too (I asked to be their friend, they alerted the database to our new connection, and we began to talk shop).

Everything seems pretty fine if a bit difficult to get used to.  Over the past few days when I’ve grabbed post-work drinks at the local tavern with colleagues and friends, the new offline database keeps sending interns who offer to buy me drinks if I fill out a simple survey.

Early adopter as I am, I agree, the drinks are ordered as promised, and after only one or two rounds of werewolf invitations (these come in sealed envelopes and presented by the bouncer), I am able to get back to the lovely post-work conversation.

All in all, it seems like it will prove to be a very powerful and unique service, albeit most “normal people” (not-so-early adopters) might struggle to become used to it.