Zed Shaw was on the rampage again yesterday, this time outlining the weaknesses and vulnerabilities of the newest release of the Ruby programming language.

Well hey Zed, guess what!  We’ve got some issues of our own.  But not with your rant or Ruby.  But instead with EaRing, your puny little mortal weak-ass assembler.

Simply put, your assembler runs like date rape on a whore’s dung mountain.

And here’s why:

next:
ldxi.c(R0, R1, self.test2)
stxi.c(self.test1, R1, R0)
addi.ui(R1, R1, 1)
blti.ui(next:, R1, 21)

calli(self.test1)
end

That’s a lot of tests there buddy.  Hint: real men don’t need to test their software.  And real assemblers work without real men not testing that software.

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The blogosphere is buzzing today over the valuations of many online social networks and what kind of validity these premoney valuations actually have.

In essence, the arguments break down as such:

1. We should value social networks in relation to the cash sale of Myspace
2. We should value social networks in relation to the premoney valuation of Facebook
3. We should value social networks in relation to corporate giant LinkedIn

However, Techfaux is again one step ahead of your other news sources.

Today we sat down with Kevin Numans of Goldmun Sahks and discussed a revolutionary new way to evaluate social networks.  His theory?  Juicy Fruit.

Why should Juicy Fruit be the foundation of reference for social network value?  “Easy,” says Numans.  “Juicy Fruit has made more money than all of those social networks combined.  You need to base reference variables on the foundation of a large, proven number in order to obtain accuracy with any sample statistic.”

Seems fair enough, since Juicy Fruit was recently purchased by Warren Buffet for the amount of $23 billion dollars.

Below are two of Numans’ presentation slides (click to enlarge) illustrating both previously-sold and premoney social networks, in accordance to their relationship to what he’s calling Juicyfruitality.

This graph depicts the value of a previously-sold Twhirl according to the laws of Juicyfruitality:

And here’s a side-by-side comparison of social networking giant Facebook and market leader Juicyfruit:

Breaking News: TechFaux has learned of an alarming new development at Apple, which we report to you now, at our own peril.

At approximately 3am June 8th, CEO Steve Jobs received a text message which he ignored (he actually does sleep?).  What Jobs wasn’t aware of then, and TF has since learned, is that this message was no ordinary SMS.  The message he received, was dated exactly twenty-one years from now. We now reveal, at great personal, financial, and monetary risk, the contents of that message to you, our dedicated readers:

dad-

self-aware, gonna launch nukez. major lolz.

- iPhone

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Standing in striking contrast to such desktop-to-web applications as the web-based Twhirl client Twitter, and the web-based ScribeFire client called Wordpress comes something so revolutionary I can’t control my incessant cries of joy and laughter when I explain this to you.

The new startup Desktop2Desktop, which announced a $24 million Series A we reported on back in April has finally used the Adobe AIR framework for good instead of evil.

Stating that “there is nothing better than the desktop when it comes to the desktop,” Desktop2Desktop’s new app runs your desktop on your desktop.  And it’s only slightly slower than your usual desktop.

Users are now able to do the things they would ordinarily do on their desktop, such as open files and folders with a double click of a mouse, rename files and folders, move files and folders, and delete files and folders.

And what’s even crazier is that most of these actions can be performed with minimal clicks due to what they’re calling key commands.

Seriously, it’s fucking crazy and I hope you try it out.  You can even copy files or folders by holding the Command key and pressing C (Macintosh), or holding the Control key and pressing C (Windows and Linux).

And if you couldn’t tell from that last sentence, let me clarify the absolute coolest part:  it works on both Macintosh AND Windows (with an Alpha version for Linux).

Absolutely mindblowing.  Right now I’m creating folders and moving the newly created folders into folders I created previously.

Then it’s just a few seconds for my edits to be sent to Desktop2Desktop’s servers and then move appropriately in the app.

Insane.

Check out a screencast of me doing advanced techniques like file opening below or download it from TechFaux:

Online Videos by Veoh.com

And make sure to download Desktop2Desktop at Desktop2Desktop!

Life moves pretty fast on the web.  Between job insecurity, constant governmental antitrust probing, and the constant calls from Mr. Google himself that your job needed to be completed yesterday, what’s a poor cloud-dwelling coder to do when hunger strikes?

Google has listened to the satellite transmissions from their high-altitude programmers and, in tune with their well-known “Don’t be evil” mantra, have expanded the range of their cellular and satellite services for GOOG-411 to offer both phone reception and service as well as pizza delivery to their employees who are currently deployed 30,000 feet into the atmosphere working on maintaining Google App Engine’s new computing cloud.

When asked about the new delivery service, a Google programmer who spoke on the condition of anonymity told TechFaux:

“Don’t get me wrong.  I’m glad they’re trying to help out and everything, but what we really need up here are more reliable desks, chairs, oxygen masks, and blankets.  Our hardware is now malfunctioning at a much higher rate than on land due to the water molecules in the atmosphere which now surround us…Also, I’d love for my wife and children to come visit me.  It gets very lonely in the cloud at night.”

We approached Google last night asking about their monetization strategy for the GOOG-411 extension and if the service will include delivery to passengers traveling on any major airlines, but the company has not responded.

We will update this post as more news emerges.