“I just want everyone to know what I am doing in 140 characters or less!” Shouts a man as he is wrestled to the ground by the authorities in what is the second day in a bizarre string of riots surrounding the popular micro-blogging platform, Twitter.

Protesters are literally taking to the streets of Madrid, in what many have called the most outrageous outpouring of web angst since the IM Wars of ‘99, and police have only now begun to get a hold on the situation.

A police officer speaking on account of anonymity told TF Europe:

We don’t get it, we didn’t even know there were this many people in Madrid.  Where have they all been, how have they been communicationg? How did they get organized?

Protesters have been seen ruining property, attempting to take over an Amazon warehouse, and carrying signs bearing the face of popular tech guru Dave Winer, along with the words “Winer’s not Failers.”  Surprisingly enough, we report once again on PETA, who have joined in solidarity, carrying signage and chanting “Save the Whale.”

When inquired as to the events that led up to the riots, one of the protesters had this to say:

Well, when the last fail whale happened, I was basically calling my friends forty times every hour to let them know, in 140 letters or less, what I was doing, but my phone bill sky rocketed.  So then we all just met downtown and started doing it, only it sucked trying to have a real conversation in 140 characters or less.  That, combined with being out on the street with no sleep for the past four days and well, things got a little violent. Wait- how many characters was that?

It’s a complex situation, however, most agree that the problem is centered around the fact that authorities are so out of touch, they don’t even know what the demands are, nor how they might strike a comprise with the amazing number of users over the ordeal.

When asked of their demands, a representative for a group we spoke with told us:

All we want is to be able to tell an unlimited amount of people what we are doing, in 140 characters or less, free of charge, via someone else’s API, when ever we want, from an unlimited number of sources, all the time. Right. Fucking. Now.

It seems that even with the recent hikes on the price of stamps, attempts to charge for email, and all those red envelopes, the United States Postal Service has really been struggling.

But today marks a milestone for the legendary government agency, who took their first step into the new millenium with what they’re calling RSUSPSS.

The new syndication format, which stands for “Really Simple United States Postal Service Syndication” offers new hope for an old dinosaur to grow new teeth.

Simply put:  the service allows you to subscribe to news stories and headlines “really simply” (the process only involves a few clicks of the mouse) and then receive updates from your favorite websites in the mail for only the price of a stamp plus a service fee plus the “content publisher” fee (the USPS is hoping to elevate adoption rates of their new technology by paying content publishers, bloggers, and online journalists a small amount for each new subscription).

Techfaux was given the chance to participate in the pre-beta test, and to say we were impressed is an understatement.  Below is a photo of your favorite TechFaux editor Bobby Whitney with his first feed.

And below is a scan of his mailed RSUSPSS feed:

If offline storage and realtime collaboration is the next step in social computing (as Google, Microsoft, and Adobe seem to believe), then Facebook’s move offline is as logical as it is revolutionary.

But Facebook’s biggest strength in their move offline is actually what I found to be particularly frustrating when testing the product.

Facebook’s “social graph” (their international multi-terabyte database of every person alive, who that person knows, who the people that person knows know, and on and on) is very possibly the coffin nail in their offline toolbox to all possible competitors, but I found the offline implementation of this proprietary technology to be particularly perplexing when offline.

For instance, at a marketing conference last weekend while alpha testing the product, I had the chance to meet a certain well-known marketer and blogger.  We really hit it off, but when the time came to decide the status of our new relationship, I had to first ask her to be my friend.  Then she had to tell the graph how she knew me (”worked together” seemed to be the most accurate response) before we were able to continue our discussion.

Later that night when I came home, I had more marketers and bloggers knocking on my door insisting that I “might know” them.  I was intrigued, so I went through the social process with them, too (I asked to be their friend, they alerted the database to our new connection, and we began to talk shop).

Everything seems pretty fine if a bit difficult to get used to.  Over the past few days when I’ve grabbed post-work drinks at the local tavern with colleagues and friends, the new offline database keeps sending interns who offer to buy me drinks if I fill out a simple survey.

Early adopter as I am, I agree, the drinks are ordered as promised, and after only one or two rounds of werewolf invitations (these come in sealed envelopes and presented by the bouncer), I am able to get back to the lovely post-work conversation.

All in all, it seems like it will prove to be a very powerful and unique service, albeit most “normal people” (not-so-early adopters) might struggle to become used to it.

You may remember our more recent coverage of Google extending it’s 4-1-1 service to it’s cloud.  At the time, we here at TechFaux were a twitter over how we might see the thing first hand.  Well, today we learned that we can finally stop trying to build our own jet engine, because Virgin Airlines and Google announced that they have built one for us, and TF has been invited to take a test flight!

Before hopping on a Virgin Airship and rocketing toward the cloud, I sat down across a laptop from Walter S. Mossberg, my Personal Technology Columnist, and a close friend, who warned me that since The Cloud was such a powerful atmosphere to exist in, where our normal functions can be completed much more rapidly, I could expect to age at a much faster rate. Expected side effects of this aging could include balding, advanced PC use, irrelevant blogging, a growing feeling of self importance, and a job as a Personal Technology Columnist.

Luckily for me, Virgin has installed a series of satellites that shoot Facebook-blocking WiFi to slow the effects of this process (it also blocks Scobble’s friendfeed).

Update: TF has received this stunning image of the first flight to The Cloud-

Nanotechnology, the field of science that over 2/3 of Americans think is morally unacceptable,has made a giant leap today: it has joined forces with the internet.

Using what scientists have codenamed “widgets,” in a field of online study known colloquially in the nanotech community as “widgetization,” top researchers at Johns Hopkins University have designed a “widget” that can be “embedded” on Myspace pages and other social network profiles.

At this point, scientists are unsure of what the technology might mean for the internet as a whole.  Essentially, this “widget” is a flash player capable of snagging content through various online syndication mechanisms in order to display dynamic content from–get this–within a Myspace page.

Meaning that users won’t have to go to an entirely different static web page through the HTTP protocol in their web browser in order to view new content.

But of course this new nanotechnological science begs one very important question:

If dynamic content from various sources can be viewed on a single static page, will users continue to browse (or “surf”) the world wide web?  What will this do to advertising?

Many in the Valley are concerned.  Jason Calacanacan of Moohoola was quoted as saying “Oh, no.  Oh dear God no.  We’re all screwed.  This is so very, very serious.”

Update 6/22/08 - Internet (NASDAQ: INT) stock is down 93% due to this post.  We would like to reiterate that this technology is new, and it could be weeks, months, or even years before we see a flash-based widget embedded on a Myspace page.  There still might be hope.

Zed Shaw was on the rampage again yesterday, this time outlining the weaknesses and vulnerabilities of the newest release of the Ruby programming language.

Well hey Zed, guess what!  We’ve got some issues of our own.  But not with your rant or Ruby.  But instead with EaRing, your puny little mortal weak-ass assembler.

Simply put, your assembler runs like date rape on a whore’s dung mountain.

And here’s why:

next:
ldxi.c(R0, R1, self.test2)
stxi.c(self.test1, R1, R0)
addi.ui(R1, R1, 1)
blti.ui(next:, R1, 21)

calli(self.test1)
end

That’s a lot of tests there buddy.  Hint: real men don’t need to test their software.  And real assemblers work without real men not testing that software.

Read more »

The blogosphere is buzzing today over the valuations of many online social networks and what kind of validity these premoney valuations actually have.

In essence, the arguments break down as such:

1. We should value social networks in relation to the cash sale of Myspace
2. We should value social networks in relation to the premoney valuation of Facebook
3. We should value social networks in relation to corporate giant LinkedIn

However, Techfaux is again one step ahead of your other news sources.

Today we sat down with Kevin Numans of Goldmun Sahks and discussed a revolutionary new way to evaluate social networks.  His theory?  Juicy Fruit.

Why should Juicy Fruit be the foundation of reference for social network value?  “Easy,” says Numans.  “Juicy Fruit has made more money than all of those social networks combined.  You need to base reference variables on the foundation of a large, proven number in order to obtain accuracy with any sample statistic.”

Seems fair enough, since Juicy Fruit was recently purchased by Warren Buffet for the amount of $23 billion dollars.

Below are two of Numans’ presentation slides (click to enlarge) illustrating both previously-sold and premoney social networks, in accordance to their relationship to what he’s calling Juicyfruitality.

This graph depicts the value of a previously-sold Twhirl according to the laws of Juicyfruitality:

And here’s a side-by-side comparison of social networking giant Facebook and market leader Juicyfruit:

Just coming over the wire from the Associated Press, that the Associated Press has issued a cease and desist to the Associated Press, citing the Associated Press’ blatent use of the Associated Press’ source material in online content, which, TechFaux has learned, is a direct violation of the infamous Password Jinx Act of 1803.

TF tried to reach the AP for comment, but were informed that all it’s executives were busy barking at their reflections in bathroom mirrors.

Remember when Myspace was sold for $580 million in cash and everybody began to create their niche social networks based on a similar platform?

We started seeing social networks for pets, social networks for toddlers, and Myspacey social networks for just about any niche demographic you could possibly imagine.

So it makes sense then that with Twitter’s massive popularity comes the same niche fragmentations from microblogging startups.

Think of Prettyr as “Twitter for women to tell each other how pretty they look.”  If it seems like too niche of a market, you might want to reconsider.  The startup just signed the terms to their $6 million Series A, led by San Fransisco-based Aquinas Capital.

Prettyr’s strongest asset is their ability to break down Twitter’s simplicity even further.  Users are brought to a screen with pull down menus and a submit button, only being given the choice to give an adjective of how the other woman looks, and choose what article of clothing they think looks that adjective.

Techfaux was just sent these exclusive screenshots (Click to enlarge):

And the Prettyr ladies were even nice enough to offer Techfaux readers 500 beta invites.

Just mention “Techfaux” in the referral form at Prettyr and they’ll send an invite right over.

The Search for Jerry Yang continues, and no one can give us any new information as to his where abouts.

“I don’t get it,” said one associate, “I’ve checked twitter, I’ve been on AIM, I’ve even tried sending him a txt, but he just isn’t responding! Something must have spooked him and he just ran off. We’re all very worried he may be trapped, or wounded, or worse!  We’d go to the cops, but we fear they’d probably put him in a cage and run tests on him…”

Meanwhile the authorities aren’t having much luck either. Said Silicon Valley Chief of Police, Rick Erickson:

“We’ve been laying traps laced with multi-billion dollar buy-outs including equity all over this damn town and we just can’t seem to catch him!”

Jerry, if you’re reading this, please, just please come home. We don’t want to hurt you.