Hello blogosphere, it’s me Bobby.  Over the past week, we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well and we’ve had our laughs.  You made us viral, we kept you informed about what’s REALLY going on in the Tech world.  We’ve had some good times together. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to ask you to set that all aside for a moment, put on your serious face, take a big gulp of water and hold it in your mouth because this is no laughing matter.

Now, you all know that as a blogger, part of my job is to stay on top of blogs, big and small, to keep up on the daily news so that I may repeat it over and over until I’ve sucked every last hit off of the search engines and the story has lost all meaning. Well, today, during my usual really simply syndicated rounds, I stumbled on to a little known weblog called TechCrunch, only to find the following:

THAT’S RIGHT Bloginites, TechCrunch’s own John Biggs stole material from the blog of yours truly, in which I asked LazyBean’s John Thompson: Will there be an API? I could not believe it! How could anyone have been so insensitive? My honor as a professional blogger is clearly at stake- my good name has been soiled and I demand justice!

So I say to you, John Biggs and Mike Arrington, show me the money! You guys ripped me off and I demand payment. Don’t think I’m not familiar with the case of AP vs. Themselves, I know the score.  I demand my $12.95 (payable in Sacajewea’s) and 10,000 page views.  In fact, I call on all our loyal readers right now- effective immediately we are issuing a BAN on TechCrunch until they either pay up, or dissapear off the face of the net like so many shunned Power CEO’s.

That may seem a little harsh, but considering that we here at TechCrunch TechFaux have been sending numerous cease and desist messages to TechCrunch over their blantent use of our brand, I think enough is enough. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Not ME. Not NOW.

“I just want everyone to know what I am doing in 140 characters or less!” Shouts a man as he is wrestled to the ground by the authorities in what is the second day in a bizarre string of riots surrounding the popular micro-blogging platform, Twitter.

Protesters are literally taking to the streets of Madrid, in what many have called the most outrageous outpouring of web angst since the IM Wars of ‘99, and police have only now begun to get a hold on the situation.

A police officer speaking on account of anonymity told TF Europe:

We don’t get it, we didn’t even know there were this many people in Madrid.  Where have they all been, how have they been communicationg? How did they get organized?

Protesters have been seen ruining property, attempting to take over an Amazon warehouse, and carrying signs bearing the face of popular tech guru Dave Winer, along with the words “Winer’s not Failers.”  Surprisingly enough, we report once again on PETA, who have joined in solidarity, carrying signage and chanting “Save the Whale.”

When inquired as to the events that led up to the riots, one of the protesters had this to say:

Well, when the last fail whale happened, I was basically calling my friends forty times every hour to let them know, in 140 letters or less, what I was doing, but my phone bill sky rocketed.  So then we all just met downtown and started doing it, only it sucked trying to have a real conversation in 140 characters or less.  That, combined with being out on the street with no sleep for the past four days and well, things got a little violent. Wait- how many characters was that?

It’s a complex situation, however, most agree that the problem is centered around the fact that authorities are so out of touch, they don’t even know what the demands are, nor how they might strike a comprise with the amazing number of users over the ordeal.

When asked of their demands, a representative for a group we spoke with told us:

All we want is to be able to tell an unlimited amount of people what we are doing, in 140 characters or less, free of charge, via someone else’s API, when ever we want, from an unlimited number of sources, all the time. Right. Fucking. Now.

Twitter, the web’s ugly duckling, has officially announced via press release what bloggers everywhere have anticipated since 2007.

The document, which outlines their new strategies to not only make a little money but to also officially make a lot of money introduces a business model which to date has never been seen on the internet.

Essentially, Twitter is announcing a price-per-visit model which will rely neither on display advertising or sales.

“For every page view of our website, we will be paid $1 USD.”  Said Twitter cofounder Biz Stone.  He went on further to clarify the gray feathers of their fine bird.  “If the site is out of service or down for some reason, we will be paid only 75 cents per page view.  Even though some like I would argue that a page view is a page view, our investors have determined that the 25% drop in payment will encourage us to keep the website up.”

Interesting.  But what about API calls?  Says Biz:

“API calls are not page views, but rather they are API calls.  Therefore, API calls will result in a payment to Twitter of 50 Cents.  If the API call results in a page view–up to three degrees of referral–the page view will result in the ordinary page view payment of $1USD because it’s a page view.”

Sounds like they’ve thought this all out thoroughly.  But where’s the money coming from?

Biz was unavailable for comment, so cofounder ev @ed us:

“Frm the invstrs.”