According to a report released today by the New York-based consulting firm Jasper & Jasper & Johns, LLC, online viral marketing is more than a fad.

The report, which weighs in at a whopping 900 pounds, follows the revenues of corporate giants such as Cadbury Schwepps, Microsoft, Juicy Fruit, and Band-Aid as each company performed their first experiments with “viral” marketing on social media channels like Youtube and Facebook.

“Frankly,” said John Jasper of J&J&J, “the profits raised through viral and or guerilla marketing on the internet were through the roof.  I literally asked our intern to double check his work.  We just didn’t think these margins were possible.”

The report shows that on average, companies who initiated “viral” (relatable, often humorous branded content distributed online through social web properties) campaigns in Q1 of this year raised +500% profit over their direct competitors, with the most startling result coming at the hands of Microsoft, whose “fake blog for charity” campaign caused their most profitable quarter in the company’s long history, with a +957% increase in profits over competitors in their space.

Techfaux sat down with Barbara Russo, of the stealth marketing firm responsible for this year’s memorable “They’re not just Band-Aids, you fucking retard, they’re also your only possible hope for the long fight against gangrene and amputation!” humorous Youtube campaign.

“In the twentieth century, marketing teams held closed-door meetings discussing how stupid the consumer is.  And the X Generation revolted against this disconnect [between corporate hatred of the consumer and their upbeat advertising]…This is the new century.  Irony reigns supreme.”

When we asked Ms. Russo of what the most significant shift in marketing agenda has been in the new century, she replied “Back in the ’90s when I was just starting out…we’d lie to the consumer.  Lie straight to their face.  We knew they were stupid, but we were afraid.  Now we just tell them straight out how fucking retarded we think they are.  And I think this report shows that the consumer appreciates this new honesty.”

The Band-Aid campaign in particular takes this new viral conversational marketing technique one step further.  “Oh yes, yes.” Ms. Russo said, “The ‘They’re not just Band-Aids, you fucking retard, they’re also your only possible hope for the long fight against gangrene and amputation!’ campaign took off so fast not only because of our honesty but also because the customers began to fear amputations.”

The humorous ad, which depicts graphic surgeries and limb removal, has apparently led to a surprising secondary result:  a 23% increase in profit for Psychiatrists and Counselors of Mental Hygiene (as well as a possibly-unrelated increase in the overall net sales of handguns in California, the state targeted most heavily during the campaign).

We asked Ms. Russo to add, in just one sentence, her predictions for the future of online marketing:

“These fucking morons will buy anything if you scare them enough.  And with the internet, the consumer can now engage in direct conversations with their marketing teams.  It’s time we, as marketers, embrace this new convenience in order to shut every single one of their fucking mouths once and for all.”

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

This just in from the WebCo Cafateria:

TechFaux has it from a super duper inside source at Microsoft’s house that Google’s brothers best friends college roommate’s summer fling heard from Yahoo’s sisters boyfriend that Yahoo’s Mom said that she didn’t want Yahoo playing with those baddie Microsoft kids anymore.

Said Microsoft in response to this startling revelation:

Yahoo is a stupid, smelly, poppy-head who is afraid of her own shadow.  If I saw Yahoo right now I would punch her right out of her stockings, and steal the lunch money she dosen’t have because nobody loves her and she is a big dummy.

After making this statement Microsoft was immediately sent to the corner for a ten-minute time out to think about what she said.

Meanwhile, Google, who has never gotten along with Microsoft or Yahoo, made what analysts are calling a very mature gesture of friendship to the crying Yahoo, offering it some pudding and making faces at Microsoft for the rest of the day.

In related news, Facebook and MySpace both had to miss recess today.  Analysts estimate they will continue to sit out from the coveted playtime until the can learn how to share.