According to a report released today by the New York-based consulting firm Jasper & Jasper & Johns, LLC, online viral marketing is more than a fad.

The report, which weighs in at a whopping 900 pounds, follows the revenues of corporate giants such as Cadbury Schwepps, Microsoft, Juicy Fruit, and Band-Aid as each company performed their first experiments with “viral” marketing on social media channels like Youtube and Facebook.

“Frankly,” said John Jasper of J&J&J, “the profits raised through viral and or guerilla marketing on the internet were through the roof.  I literally asked our intern to double check his work.  We just didn’t think these margins were possible.”

The report shows that on average, companies who initiated “viral” (relatable, often humorous branded content distributed online through social web properties) campaigns in Q1 of this year raised +500% profit over their direct competitors, with the most startling result coming at the hands of Microsoft, whose “fake blog for charity” campaign caused their most profitable quarter in the company’s long history, with a +957% increase in profits over competitors in their space.

Techfaux sat down with Barbara Russo, of the stealth marketing firm responsible for this year’s memorable “They’re not just Band-Aids, you fucking retard, they’re also your only possible hope for the long fight against gangrene and amputation!” humorous Youtube campaign.

“In the twentieth century, marketing teams held closed-door meetings discussing how stupid the consumer is.  And the X Generation revolted against this disconnect [between corporate hatred of the consumer and their upbeat advertising]…This is the new century.  Irony reigns supreme.”

When we asked Ms. Russo of what the most significant shift in marketing agenda has been in the new century, she replied “Back in the ’90s when I was just starting out…we’d lie to the consumer.  Lie straight to their face.  We knew they were stupid, but we were afraid.  Now we just tell them straight out how fucking retarded we think they are.  And I think this report shows that the consumer appreciates this new honesty.”

The Band-Aid campaign in particular takes this new viral conversational marketing technique one step further.  “Oh yes, yes.” Ms. Russo said, “The ‘They’re not just Band-Aids, you fucking retard, they’re also your only possible hope for the long fight against gangrene and amputation!’ campaign took off so fast not only because of our honesty but also because the customers began to fear amputations.”

The humorous ad, which depicts graphic surgeries and limb removal, has apparently led to a surprising secondary result:  a 23% increase in profit for Psychiatrists and Counselors of Mental Hygiene (as well as a possibly-unrelated increase in the overall net sales of handguns in California, the state targeted most heavily during the campaign).

We asked Ms. Russo to add, in just one sentence, her predictions for the future of online marketing:

“These fucking morons will buy anything if you scare them enough.  And with the internet, the consumer can now engage in direct conversations with their marketing teams.  It’s time we, as marketers, embrace this new convenience in order to shut every single one of their fucking mouths once and for all.”

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

Twitter, the web’s ugly duckling, has officially announced via press release what bloggers everywhere have anticipated since 2007.

The document, which outlines their new strategies to not only make a little money but to also officially make a lot of money introduces a business model which to date has never been seen on the internet.

Essentially, Twitter is announcing a price-per-visit model which will rely neither on display advertising or sales.

“For every page view of our website, we will be paid $1 USD.”  Said Twitter cofounder Biz Stone.  He went on further to clarify the gray feathers of their fine bird.  “If the site is out of service or down for some reason, we will be paid only 75 cents per page view.  Even though some like I would argue that a page view is a page view, our investors have determined that the 25% drop in payment will encourage us to keep the website up.”

Interesting.  But what about API calls?  Says Biz:

“API calls are not page views, but rather they are API calls.  Therefore, API calls will result in a payment to Twitter of 50 Cents.  If the API call results in a page view–up to three degrees of referral–the page view will result in the ordinary page view payment of $1USD because it’s a page view.”

Sounds like they’ve thought this all out thoroughly.  But where’s the money coming from?

Biz was unavailable for comment, so cofounder ev @ed us:

“Frm the invstrs.”